On Saturday, May 20, Cuban boxer Rances Barthelemy won his WBA light welterweight title final eliminator bout against Belorussian Kyril Relikh in a unanimous decision. Each 140-pounder was knocked down by the other, but only Relikh enjoyed several illegal left-hand backfists and two shots to the junk. 116-110, 115-111 and 117-109 were the scores for Barthelemy.
Like his fellow Cubans, Barthelemy held the outside of the ring. Cubans are the ballroom dancers of boxing: They toe about the edges, ceding control of the ring to their opponents, whom they then draw into jabs and uppercuts timed like a Swiss watch. To do this a Cuban can use several rounds to size up his opponent. Who gets bored. I get bored. So opponents are drawn in and I’m glad for it, because boxing is about punching. But the Cubans are experts at defense, precision, getting out the way. They lead the waltz as they appear to be led.
Kyril Relikh was drawn in. Then he out-punched Rances Barthelemy by a ratio of 2:1. 248-137 in overall punches. 190-91 in power punches. An average of 80 punches per round for Relikh versus 43 for Barthelemy. Relikh out-landed Barthelemy in nine out of the 12 rounds.
Still Relikh lost. He had no reason to doubt the outcome because he did everything right, including dropping Barthelemy in the fifth round with enough power punches to kill a cow. He had the numbers, the proof. He had the crowd. And he lost.
At this point, you’re not thinking about boxing anymore, are you? You’re thinking, This is online dating. It’s the kind of recognition I saw on Kyril Relikh’s face he watched Barthelemy fall to his knees in gratitude, knowing he would go home alone without any clue what happened…and never would.
Online dating requires an incredible investment of your time before you ever even meet someone. It’s like a six-month training camp, including an hour a day sparring just to get to coffee. You get pretty tired. So when you come across someone who’s the right height, uses good grammar, has all his teeth, whatever, he gives you the hope of a no. 1 contender.
It doesn’t start out that way. Like the man who contacts you simply because you’ve clicked an interest in their profile. On paper he’s a catch, but he’s checked the tape: so are you. He mentions his ’69 Buick. You know about ’69 Buicks. So you ask questions about the ’69 Buick because what guy doesn’t want to talk about his ’69 Buick with someone who knows about ’69 Buicks? Not this one. Did you ask the wrong questions? Or the right ones? Don’t care. Took a flyer on this one anyway.
Then there’s the man in whom you see a number of commonalities, including but not limited to compatible sun signs. That’s become one of the best signs out there. He’s an Aquarian, like you, and his humor seems uncannily similar. A lefty to your righty, you bet. You send a funny inquiry, and you know it’s funny because you can read. Must’ve been too funny. Or not funny enough. Note to self: test your material.
Then there’s one with the funny hat. Why aren’t you using your photo with the funny hat anymore? He meets your now-minimal standards and you expect even less. Yet, there he is, changing that photo immediately, writing immediately, writing you back immediately. It’s quality work, a conversation filled with the kind of one-liners you think about once a conversation is over except that it’s all happening right now. You ask for him out for coffee. Because you’ve done everything right. Right?
You thought you drew him in. Now you’re six inches from the ropes and Funny Hat is six inches in front you, stepping on your foot. Judges never look at the feet.
In October 2016, Kyril Relikh fought Scot Ricky Burns for the WBA World super lightweight title in Glasgow, Scotland. Relikh was the world no. 1 contender; Burns clinched Relikh, ran from Relikh, and failed to land Relikh for much of the fight. He was gassed. He looked to have lost rounds one, two, four, six, nine, 10, 11, and 12. If you’re counting, that’s most of them. Burns said he felt like he’d been hit by a bus. For a boxer to say that after a championship bout means that his opponent truly did everything right.
The judges scored the bout 116-112, 116-112, 118-110 for Ricky Burns.
Kyril Relikh, if you ever step foot in the English-speaking world again, get in touch. I think I’ll be available.
Note: The WBA has recently ordered a Relikh-Barthelemy rematch. No date has been scheduled.
This post is dedicated to Ronald McIntosh, Richie Woodhall, and Claressa Shields, who would be doing quality work on Funny Hat’s face.
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